After infidelity, these couples turned to upscale, intensive marriage retreats as a last-ditch effort to stay together.
first published on Elle magazine's website on July 13, 2022
BY Esme BenjaminESMEBENJAMIN
Couples’ names have been changed.
Calum and Maria were having one of the biggest blowout arguments in the history of their 18-year marriage. It didn’t matter that they were away from their home in Canada at a luxury resort in the Caribbean, nor that they’d just enjoyed a romantic dinner, basking in a post-beach afterglow as they worked their way through the all-inclusive cocktail menu. Maria hadn’t been able to stop herself from reliving the events that had brought them to this beautiful locale in the first place: Her husband, the father of her two children, had recently confessed to multiple one-night stands while traveling on business.
The fight had started over a boozy dinner, but now they were back in the privacy of their hotel room, and without the judgmental glances of onlookers to rein them in, things were getting increasingly heated.
“I hit my rock bottom, I felt so hopeless,” says Maria, who had been unable to work ever since Calum’s disclosure. “I was basically suicidal.”
The couple called the one person they knew could bring them back from the brink: their therapist, Andrew Sofin, who was also staying—and working on-site—at the resort. Minutes later, he arrived at their door, ready for an emergency session that would stretch into the early hours of the following morning.
Maria and Calum were on a relationship therapy retreat held at Club Med’s new Michès Playa Esmeralda in the Dominican Republic. Run by Sofin, a marriage and family therapist based in Montreal, the $12,000-per-week Couples Retreat at Ocean Coral aims to build on the connection-cultivating power of a regular vacation by introducing intensive therapy to the itinerary.
Sessions can total up to eight hours per day, but in their downtime, couples are free to decompress, enjoying the property’s bougie amenities as if on a regular getaway. Sometimes, Sofin prescribes specific leisure activities that encourage teamwork and trust, like sailing lessons. Other times, something purely relaxing, like a trip to the spa or floating side by side in inflatable pool rings. It’s a concept that could easily inspire a White Lotus plot line, but the sincere goal of relationship therapy retreats is to resuscitate relationships. By providing the couple with expert guidance to work through their issues, combined with breathing room from the daily responsibilities, routines, and distractions of home, these retreats aim to prevent more couples from winding up in divorce court. In the wake of infidelity, they can even offer a blueprint for rebuilding trust and fostering forgiveness—that is, if you can afford the hefty price tag.
Last fall, Angelique and Christopher, a Texas couple who had been married for six years, attended a similar retreat, The Marriage Restoration Project in Costa Rica. The impetus to book came when Angelique got a call from a stranger who claimed she’d been intimate with Christopher. Considering the couple had been distant and struggling to communicate effectively for some time—Christopher has a tendency to, as Angelique puts it, “shut down” and “go cold” during arguments—it was clear they urgently needed professional help to salvage their marriage.
A five-day retreat with The Marriage Restoration Project blends wellness-focused activities like daily yoga and guided meditations with practical tools for working through conflict and rekindling romance. Attendees are even given scripts to help them make formal amends for the hurt they’ve caused, as well as workbooks to practice their communication techniques once they return home. Step one on the path to reconciliation is to examine how the interplay between their upbringings and attachment styles contributed to the affair. A marriage, after all, is a union of two psychologies.
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, the therapist behind The Marriage Restoration Project, uses Imago Relationship Therapy, an approach that posits we are unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble our primary caregivers.
“In Imago therapy, it’s believed that we're all looking to marry someone familiar, who’s going to push our buttons in very painful ways because it’s going to uniquely play on our childhood wounds or unmet needs,” explains Slatkin, whose private couples retreats start at $7,000, not including flights, food, or accommodations. “In order to prevent an affair from happening again, we need to understand the origins and the context. And when we do that, we find that couples who have experienced infidelity and have worked through it actually wind up having a stronger relationship than ever before because they’re really going to understand what was broken in the first place.”
With Slatkin’s guidance, Angelique and Christopher began exploring past experiences that might have influenced their domestic discord. Despite their shared history, the process unveiled facets of their respective childhoods they’d never previously disclosed to one another.
“There were a lot of things that had come up, digging deeper and deeper, things that had happened in our pasts that we had forgotten about ourselves,” Angelique says. “There’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know about his life growing up, and it finally made sense as to his behavior. That was a huge step for us.”
Meeting your spouse’s wounded inner child can be powerful. When difficult or traumatic formative experiences are shared for the first time, it can help the wronged party view the infidelity through a new lens, as a manifestation of the unfaithful partner’s unresolved issues, rather than a reflection of their personal value. If they can bring themselves to empathize with the wrongdoer—no small feat under the circumstances—a softening can take place. And it’s from this softer place that forgiveness can grow.
Maria says that learning Calum was raised in an environment of alcohol abuse and physical violence, and that he had silently been struggling with anxiety and depression for years, helped her feel more compassion for him.
“When I am in an emotionally regulated place, I actually feel like it could easily have been me [who cheated] if I was raised in that same environment, with all those ingredients,” Maria says. “If I grab onto this, I can actually feel better. Like, it’s not me. There is a scientific and historical explanation for [his infidelity].”
Drawing on this new understanding, couples can avoid triggering each other’s deep-seated issues while nurturing the other in the exact way they need to be nurtured, hopefully affair-proofing the relationship for the future. But even couples who do manage to beat the odds and keep their relationship intact after unfaithfulness may find that the work of cultivating forgiveness and trust is ongoing.
For Clara and Oliver, a couple from California who dealt with infidelity six years ago after the successive losses of Oliver’s father and business sent him spiraling into destructive coping habits (including a long-distance affair with a married woman), healing has been a non-linear process. Although the couple says the worst is behind them and they could “write the book on what it takes to have a great marriage,” Clara still exhibits symptoms of post-infidelity stress disorder, a condition characterized by intrusive recurring thoughts and hypervigilance, which psychologists say is similar to—but distinct from—post-traumatic stress disorder.
“The way I describe [our marriage] is like a piece of paper that was crisp and new, and then you take it and you crumple it up. When you flatten it out, it’s never the same, it’s always going to have those marks,” says Clara, who is now very alert to times when disconnection or distance are present in their marriage. “I’m not gonna lie, it’s still a battle every day.”
As part of their ongoing commitment to working on the relationship, Clara and Oliver recently traveled to Arizona to attend Sedona Soul Adventures, a five-day bespoke retreat that takes a New Age-y approach to healing marriages. There, the couple dabbled in “core wound” exploration (another term for addressing issues stemming from childhood), love languages, and Enneagram personality tests designed to help couples understand themselves and their partners better.
As Debra Stangl, the owner of Sedona Soul Adventures and a former divorce attorney, says of her methods: “Most people know more about what they want on their pizza than about what they want in their life and relationship.”
Other more esoteric wellness activities are also part of the retreat’s programming, including holotropic breathwork, a facilitator-led technique where altered states of consciousness are accessed through repetitive breathing patterns.
“I believe that your core wounds, and I like to call it ‘gunk,’ can get energetically stuck in your body. So we’re doing sessions that actually move the energy out and connect people to that highest part of themselves,” explains Stangl, whose couples retreats start at $6,000 for therapeutic guidance and bonding activities. (Couples must arrange and separately pay for their own accommodations, food, and transport.) “We do that through things like breathwork, where people are literally moving into a different state of consciousness, and moving into connection on all levels: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.”
Clara and Oliver, who identify as non-religious but “spiritual,” believe they didn’t find the retreat so much as the retreat found them. Throughout the week, they had profound experiences that imbued their union with meaning. One particularly impactful activity was sandplay, where the couple arranged random objects in a large sandbox then stepped back to observe the story they had unconsciously told through their arrangements.
“That just blew me away. It was as if something other than ourselves had guided us to pick up those trinkets and put them down in a manner that told our story,” Oliver says. “On a spiritual level, we’re supposed to be together. Me and Clara know that unequivocally, it’s not even a question.”
A 2018 survey found that just 15 percent of couples manage to successfully work through an affair. While the retreat hosts don’t keep data on the success rates of their relationship therapy retreats—and it can be difficult to pinpoint what exactly qualifies as “success”—all three couples attest that they were worth the investment. Six months to a year after their respective trips, and as of publication, each couple is still together, and credits the retreats with giving them crucial insights and useful tools to move forward. That said, even the hosts, who offer follow-up therapy sessions as needed, admit that there is no quick fix for such an egregious breach of trust.
“I truly believe that every couple is capable of change if they really want it and they’re willing to do the work,” says Sofin, the therapist who worked with Calum and Maria. “I always see [the retreat] as like planting seeds. Real change takes time and work and practice.”
After all, the biggest selling point of a relationship therapy retreat—and what’s used to justify such a significant cost—is the promise of hope. It may not be an easy process, but when both halves of a couple are willing to pay up, show up, expose their wounds, and embrace complexity, there’s no doubting their commitment to one another. Maybe things will never quite be the way they were, but there is still a fighting chance for a loving and united future.
“I am super grateful that we found [the retreat] and are still here and fighting for our marriage and for our family,” says Calum, who, in a big a-ha moment following that blowout argument with his wife in the Dominican Republic, decided to quit alcohol for good. “We didn’t even come home from that trip and try to make things normal again. We just said, ‘We have a bit of a template for our lives now, and we’re just gonna focus on that.’ We’re not going back to the life we had; we’re trying to create a new life, and we’re doing it together.”
This article first appeared in:
Financial Post MoneyWise
by Sigrid Forberg
Without trust, relationships can’t last. But what if you’re smart with money and your partner isn’t? Is it ever acceptable to manage your money behind their back if you’re doing “good” things?
Ed Coambs, a financial therapist in Matthews, N.C., and author of The Healthy Love & Money Way , says not only does that often constitute financial infidelity, but he would push back against moralizing money habits.
“This is not really about being good or bad,” says Coambs. “It’s about the breakdown of being able to connect around what to do financially. Financial infidelity is a symptom of underlying relational processes that do not work.”
He adds focusing on the acts of infidelity rather than what’s at the root of them can cost couples not just their financial security, but also their future.
Financial infidelity isn’t always what you expect it to be
Everyone enters a relationship with implicit and explicit expectations around how they and their partner will manage finances. Coambs says financial infidelity is any breach of those expectations.
That can be spending more money shopping than you’ve mutually agreed to, buying a house without the other’s knowledge or secretly investing for retirement.
“The piece that makes it infidelity is not disclosing or talking about it and hiding it from your partner,” says Coambs.
Of the couples he works with, Coambs says 70 to 80 per cent are dealing with financial infidelity, whether that’s why they came to him in the first place or it simply comes out in therapy.
It’s the same for Andrew Sofin, a psychotherapist specializing in couples and families in Montreal.
Sofin adds that while most people think of sex when they hear the word infidelity, in his practice, he’s found many are dealing with this issue without knowing what to call it.
In a survey on love and money from TD Bank last year, only eight per cent of respondents copped to keeping financial secrets from their partner. But 29 per cent admitted to hiding bank accounts, while 22 per cent carry significant secret credit card debt.
With Sofin’s clients, financial infidelity often shows up in relationships where there’s a power imbalance. The person earning the lion’s share often feels it’s ”their” money to spend however they see fit.
But whether they’re buying sports cars or lottery tickets, making those financial decisions without consulting their spouse widens that power gap.
“The person who’s not making the money feels totally dependent on the other person and it has a major impact on their sense of self,” says Sofin.
Couples must get on the same page
What makes financial betrayals so painful is that money is not only a deeply emotional topic, it’s also tangible and crucial to our survival.
Another therapist once told Coambs about how her mother reacted when she found out her husband had gambled away their retirement fund: “She said, ‘I wish he would have cheated on me; that would have been easier to recover from.’”
“I wouldn’t take that statement literally,” says Coambs. “But … money holds representational value. It functionally means whether I have housing, whether I can access health care in the future, if I can buy food … And so when we get interrupted in that pathway, that’s a profound loss.”
He also notes that financial infidelity looks different for everyone. In fact, we accept a certain amount of financial dishonesty in relationships. Surprise gifts for birthdays or anniversaries or splashing out on a new love are both common societal and cultural expectations.
However, Sofin counters that bringing home surprise flowers isn’t such a romantic gesture if you’re already scrimping to pay your mortgage this month.
And so the only way to ensure all your money moves are above-board is to communicate openly with your partner about money.
“If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to talk about things that sometimes are difficult,” says Sofin.
And in talking about these issues, people often fall into the trap of assuming their way is right and everyone else’s is wrong.
But Coambs says looking at it this way means couples lose out on a chance to grow both their relationship and their wealth.
“We’re not making any person wrong or bad here. Both people are right, based on their whole life’s experience … And sometimes it’s just a matter of reframing and saying, ‘This is an opportunity for us to grow and learn about each other at a deeper level.’”
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind
This article was written by Zosia Bielski and appeared in the Globe & Mail on Oct. 12, 2020.
Tara Mandarano woke up on Aug. 6 like it was “any other day in our new COVID world,” unaware her husband would shortly be asking for a separation.
The 43-year-old writer and editor worked on her laptop in bed while her spouse dropped their six-year-old daughter off at the grandparents'. When her husband got home, he broke the news. Crying, Mandarano followed him out to the driveway in her pajamas to talk but could see the “finality on his face.”
Looking back, Mandarano says she believes seven anxious months spent at home together pushed dormant issues to the surface in their marriage. She has multiple health conditions and her husband had taken on a difficult caregiving role. Underlying resentment also simmered around parenting, with the mother often feeling sidelined by chronic pain. Instead of talking through these jarring months, the spouses retreated to their own screens at night.
“It was a perfect storm to fall apart as a couple,” Mandarano said. “My hurt and grief are amplified because I’m already shaken and unsettled by the world outside my door and how it’s transformed. When my husband said he wanted to separate, it just seemed like another disaster.”
For some marriages on shaky ground, the unrelenting stress of this pandemic is becoming a breaking point. With a second wave of infections now bearing down on Canadians, many divorce lawyers, mediators and couples therapists say they are fielding more calls from spouses contemplating separation than in years past. The new realities of job loss, evaporated child care and upended marital roles at home have pushed some in strained relationships to the edge. Amid widespread uncertainty, it’s a particularly trying time for a marriage to break down.
“The couples who were showing cracks before, the pandemic became like an amplifier,” said Andrew Sofin, president of the Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Working in Montreal, the worst affected city in Canada, Sofin is seeing a surge of couples on the verge of divorcing seeking intensive therapy.
“People are worried about going into the second wave. They’re frantic,” Sofin said. “It’s a fear of, ‘I can’t do this again.’”
During the first wave of COVID-19 lockdowns in spring, Sofin said many couples were in survival mode. Through the relative calm of summer, some spouses stepped back, re-examined their time locked down together and realized, “I don’t really like you – and you don’t really like me,” Sofin said.
Some partners who used to work long office hours and are now cocooned at home are discovering they’ve grown apart, said Laura Paris, an associate lawyer with Shulman & Partners, which specializes in divorces in Toronto and Vaughan, Ont.
“People are realizing they don’t want the same things out of life,” said Paris, whose firm reported a 19-per-cent jump in new clients this June compared to last. “You get caught up in the day-to-day and you forget what it takes to maintain a relationship.”
Linda Long, Edmonton founder and managing partner at Long Family Law Group, said her firm saw more client intakes this September than any year prior.
“When these things happen the world holds its breath for a time, but it can only hold its breath for so long,” Long said. “Marriages that might have been foundering before may move to a separation as a result of this additional pressure."
Marriage counsellor Darren Wilk said spouses crammed in together at home have developed heightened expectations of each other, but few communication skills to match.
“They’re being blunt and that never works,” said Wilk, co-founder of BestMarriages.ca, which offers relationship counselling in Vancouver, Victoria and Langley, B.C. “They thought they were better friends and they aren’t.”
With a four-month waiting list, Wilk said he’s never been busier. Spouses tell him that lockdowns gave them more time to seek help, pointing to work-from-home arrangements and therapy conveniently offered over video call.
The workload has also grown intense for Awatif Lakhdar, a family law litigator and mediator with Lavery Lawyers in Montreal.
“Our work increased so that we cannot even breathe sometimes,” Lakhdar said.
Aside from new clients, Lakhdar is hearing from existing clients who want to push their separations forward. She’s also seeing new tension points. Facing financial trouble, some clients are renegotiating support arrangements. Others are bickering about child custody and back-to-school decisions. Some are accusing exes of being negligent through the pandemic, while others have raised the alarm about ex-partners who work in health care.
“We are faced with unusual, exceptional circumstances,” Lakhdar said. “People are worried about everything.”
Erin Crawford, managing partner at Grant Crawford LLP, a Toronto firm specializing in family law, said this year feels extra busy for her and her colleagues. She said a “big point of discussion” is the division of child care and domestic labour as parents struggle to work from home.
Amid serious financial uncertainty, Crawford said many exes are reluctant to negotiate final deals, with some halting the process altogether. She and others noticed more couples turning to arbitration and mediation, which are less costly than the courts, now acutely backlogged.
With so many unknowns before them, some couples are slowing down the separation process, waiting and seeing about the next few months, according to Tina Sinclair, founder of Peacemakers for Families, which offers divorce mediation in Calgary.
“People who would otherwise perhaps be separating quite quickly are trying to find ways to live under one roof in a creative kind of way and waiting,” Sinclair said. “Can they divide the house in such a way that they’re not always on top of each other?”
Newmarket’s Mandarano knows three other couples separating right now. She and her husband are hoping to end things amicably through a mediation process slated for December. In the interim, he’s found a new place and they’ve agreed on informal custody and financial arrangements.
Splitting amid the pandemic has been an isolating experience for Mandarano. She can’t confide in friends in-person and can only speak with her therapist by video call. Her mediation will play out on three computer screens: hers, her husband’s and the mediator’s.
“It seems even more cold and distant that my husband and I won’t be in the same room together as we decide our future,” Mandarano said. “It just feels less human somehow.”
I was recently interviewed on the state of Couples & Family Therapy during the COVID19 pandemic. Please click on the link below to watch the interview.
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